I began writing this post two days ago while on the Florida turnpike heading north. My husband drove as our kids were sleeping, and Beyoncé sang into my ears asserting girls run the world.
I didn’t get very far with writing. The song switched to “I Miss You”, and my mind started to wander, so I stopped. I watched as the orange groves gave way to small clearings, then new construction, fewer palm trees than I remembered on that route, pregnant clouds that would only open up for a few minutes, blue skies, then repeat.
So much had changed since my last visit and even more since I’d moved to New York. Yet, as foreign as it felt, it was also comforting. Familiar. My heart, my body, my soul needed time away from the trains, buses…the rush to nowhere.
Now, I am back home, vacation over, and listening to Maxwell’s “Lifetime” give way to the Luniz “I Got 5 on It”. It is January 1.
Something feels different about this moment in my life. I feel emotionally lighter, and full of divine grace. I carry no baggage into this year. I am not beating myself up over mistakes and imperfections. I am not making resolutions that I know I’ll break just to turn around and be overly critical of myself for not achieving something that was never a goal to begin with.
I have let go so that I can live.
When I got to my mom’s place a few days before Christmas, I was physically and emotionally depleted. So often, my life feels like a series of tasks–boxes that need to be checked off–that are never ending. I needed to unplug.
While home, I was blessed to reconnect with all of my siblings, friends I’ve known since middle school, my cousin I’ve known my whole life, and other friends I met in high school or college. I even met up with the friend who was the subject of my Champagne, Oreos and Sorry post. It felt like I’d just seen everyone yesterday–though in some cases it was over a decade. Being with them felt easy. People who understand my passions, my quirks, my vulnerabilities. People who know the core of me. People I love.
I spent 3 days seeing as many friends as I could while balancing time with my family. What could have easily been grueling, was a completely fulfilling experience. I came out of it recharged, more focused, and…happy. The latter was not at all where I was a few weeks ago.
I thank my friends and family for helping me to find peace and clarity.
I have no idea what 2020 has in store, but I make no resolutions. I do plan to fiercely protect and nurture the joy I feel in this moment. I ended 2019 having decided that come what may, I will love me better. And in all things, let go and let God.