I was on vacation last week, and spent most of that time with a nasty cold–probably my fourth in a row. So, with a few exceptions, I stayed at home.
I dedicated myself to playing with my kids and writing. When the kids were at school and my husband was off working on his second book, I spent my time de-stressing, and finding my peace. Mostly, I wrote and listened to music. The more I committed to my writing, the more centered I felt.
By the end of the week, I had met my goal of writing one post a day. I was feeling good.
Then, there was a familiar block: Why am I even doing this? I don’t even like telling people my business. No one is reading this anyway. You have thoughts? Put them in a journal, and keep it pushing.
This has happened before. So, I’d go days without writing–too uncertain or uncomfortable to write the words fighting their way out. Then weeks would spiral into months. And then, four years went by.
But there was a void.
So, I tried filling it by doing other things.
This time, my trigger was seeing the juxtaposition of the feature images for the “Still I Rise” and “Back That Azz Up” posts. Honestly, writing the two in the same sentence made me feel a little uncomfortable.
What am I doing? I thought. That isn’t quite proper. Perhaps I should delete “Back That Azz Up”. Change the title. Post it a day later than planned.
It took everything in me to leave it alone.
Why did it make me uncomfortable?
Ironically, shortly after I thought to write this post, I came across the one below, “A New Direction”. It was written four and a half years ago, but I was grappling with similar issues.
Writing may not seem like such an important thing for some people, but it is my form of self expression. I need to address what’s holding me back.
The moments I suffer from writer’s block–whether severe or temporary stop–have to do with my unwillingness to be vulnerable. When I feel myself starting to open up, I pull back. I start overanalyzing what it is that I’m doing. Then, I place restrictions on my ideas.
Just realizing this is major for me. I’m no longer in denial. I am free to do better or stay the same. Either way, I am aware.
God is amazing. I need to let go and let God.
I have to relax and let the words come. Give them life and set them free.
A New Direction
Oct. 13, 2014
I’ve struggled for a while to come to a decision as to where I want this blog to go. I really can’t post every single day, and I’ve been ambivalent about sharing too much of myself. Perhaps that is weird for a person who writes a blog in which so many of her pictures are featured.
In any case, I initially wanted to focus only on other people, but that changed. I wanted to focus just on fashion, but that changed too.
I often find myself wanting to post things I’m thinking about or experiences I’ve had, but I stop myself because some of those things don’t quite fit with my initial idea for this site.
I’ve pigeonholed myself in this way and others for quite too long.
So now, I’ve come to a decision. I will write about and post about whatever the heck I feel like posting. After all, I’m the one paying for this site.
At my core, I am a writer. I am an artist. I am a person with many complex interests that are both shallow and profound. I am choosing to share more of that with you.